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Between Master and Disciples

A Journey to Malaga, Part 8 of 9, Sep. 30, 2006

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Just fill your time with love, fill it with love. It’s very difficult to live alone and to feel love. You have to give the love. Maybe you have too much love. You must go out and give it, so that you feel more fulfilled, more satisfied. Try that. How about that?

Any more questions guys? (Master, yesterday morning You were telling us how we have to become more humble and get rid of our ego, and I understood all that. But I wondered if You had some tips about how we actually do that. If you’re working in the world, and you are in a situation where the ego is always coming to the front, how do we actually go about suppressing it?)

Actually, you don’t have to try too hard. It also comes with the inner realization that we all are one; and that in any way in past lives, we might have offended someone, which is a part of our one togetherness Self. So, if that particular part of our togetherness Self wants to correct it, it’s all right. It’s all our Self. Suppose yesterday you banged yourself into some stone and are bleeding over here; and then after, you fixed it a little bit, but it was not complete. And then you went to sleep, you forgot all about it. Next morning you wake up, the eyes see it’s still bruised and bleeding again, so the other hand puts some bandage on it, and it hurts. Sometimes the antiseptic stings, it hurts your skin and hurts your wound, but it helps, it will help, and in the long run, it heals your wound. Would you blame the left hand for treating the right hand with the stinging, with the hurting antiseptic? No! Would you blame the eyes that are all seeing the whole body and tell the hand to help? No! The eyes are the all seeing of your lives, for many lifetimes. The hand is the law of karma that works through different people to address the wrongs of the past and make it better. Now, you understand? (Yes, thank You.) All right, no complaints. Just always be polite, and try to accept the situation, or try to make it better later on, or immediately in some diplomatic or good way, if you can. If not, just accept it. (Just overcome the mind, yes?) Yes. It’s very difficult, but at least, if you get into that situation again, you remember the bandage. It’s easier to remember when I have a concrete example. (Thank You.) It’s all in the universe. Also, even if the negative power attacks you through that person, it will not harm you in any way. It will only boost you up. It only makes you greater. It’s like the fertilizer glorifies the roses, and the digging of the farmer and the weeding, and the trimming, it will only glorify the flowers. Right. Next one, yes.

(As I was a child, my parents didn’t love me, so I prayed to God that my parents would love me, but they didn’t, so I always thought God doesn’t want me. And as I became older, I always said, “OK, God doesn’t want me.” So I met somebody who was already initiated, and after a while I felt I had to be initiated, but it was something I felt I had to do.) You had to be initiated, why you had to do it? (I felt I had to be initiated, but it wasn’t something in my heart, and since I’m initiated, it’s now a year, I always still have the feeling God doesn’t want me. So it’s a bit like a fight, for me. And sometimes when I feel very terrible and very sad, I always think: “Why do You do this to me?” And I try like all the other initiates, all the other people I know who are initiated. And, since I’ve been initiated, I try to feel Your love, to feel loved by God. And it’s really hard for me, because every time when I feel sad, and when I have problems, when my heart is feeling pain because of some things which are very tough for me, I always come back to the little child I was. And I always struggle with God and say, “Why don’t You want me? Why do You do this to me? Why can’t I be happy?” And then I hoped since my initiation that I’d have a chance to see You, and that maybe when I see You, get that feeling, and I’ve got it, and I’m very thankful for this. But I’m scared that in a few days, this feeling’s gone again, and I will lose again the feeling of being loved by God. So, this is the first time I feel this, but what if when You’re back again, and I’m at home again? Do You know what I mean?)

I understand. What if the feeling will not go away? (I hope so, but...) We shall see, shall we? Maybe you just begin to feel it, and it will continue. Because you haven’t felt it up to now, and now you begin to feel it, and then it’s probably the beginning of that beautiful feeling. (Sometimes when something which I wanted came true, and I argued before, then I felt very sorry. I said, “Oh, God, I’m sorry. I know You are there, I know You take care of me.” But the next time when I feel pain again, it starts again.) OK. (It’s like a circle.) Understand. (I try and try. I can’t go on.)

As I have told you already, we have two things that trouble us: the karma from the past, and the negative power. Both of them are always chasing after us, no matter where we hide, no matter what we do. You don’t want (to talk) anymore? (No, I thought You were finished.) No, if you want to talk more, you just talk. (So, for example... thinking that, feeling God doesn’t like me. Is there a way, can You help me with the mind that I’m also loved? Can You give me... Some advice.) Advice? (Advice.) You can feel that. (Yes, so that the love doesn’t go away again.) Just go home and continue to meditate. Maybe it won’t go away. You just begin to feel it, so maybe it will stay. (And thanks that I can feel it. I’m very thankful.) Oh, good. Wonderful, wonderful! Oh, come here, give me a hug. I want to be loved also. (I love You, Master.) You want to sit here? Just sit there. Have a drink.

What did your parents do that made you feel unloved? Tell me. (Didn’t like me.) What do you mean? (My mother married someone, but she didn’t love him. So, I am a product of somebody she didn’t like. And she always said, “Oh, I wish you were dead. I wish you weren’t born and...”) No, they just said nonsense, but they loved you. (And I always prayed, “Dear God, please make my parents love me.”) So your father loves you or not? (No. And my grandma, when I went to the cemetery...) Yeah, I understand - cemetery. (I saw the little graves, and I asked my grandma why their graves are so little, and she said, “They are children.” And she said, “God took them with Hirm to the angels because Hes loved them so much.” Then I hoped God would take me. And You know, I am still alive, and I grew up and grew up, and she said Hes didn’t want me.)

Sometimes the parents, they say nonsense. They don’t realize how much it affects you, because they have problems in their adult life, or in their marriage, so they don’t have anybody else. They just put it on the children, and that’s the only thing. They don’t mean it. The mother has problems, because she has an unhappy marriage. And then she just puts it on you. But she loves you! No mother ever doesn’t love their children, believe me. No matter how, their child is the most beautiful child in the world. But they have problems controlling their emotions and what they say. Some people have bad language; some people have a bad mouth. Some people are more diplomatic. Some people are more considerate; some people are less considerate. So perhaps your mother was less considerate, but it doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you. You have to see it through. How often sometimes you are angry with your partner, and you say some nonsense, “I wish I’m not with you, you get lost! Don’t ever come back again!” But you miss him. No? Is that not true? (Yes.) It’s all the same with your mother. When the emotion is too bottled up, too pressured, then they say anything just to release themselves. Is your mother still alive? (Yes. But the problem is not my mother; because I’m through with it, without hate, without...) No, no, no, it’s not that. (It’s the feeling I’ve got from as I was a child.) Yeah, I know, I know. (And now I’m grown up and then) With God? (in my head, it’s OK. Wasn’t anything but the heart is a little bit...) Cheers! The heart. It’s a little bit difficult. It’s a little bit difficult. (The hardest.)

Yeah. Perhaps, it must be something to do with the past life. I’ll tell you what, just try to be more loving then, instead. You give love instead of wanting love; then you will have plenty. Do you have a dog, by the way? (Pardon?) Do you have a dog? (A cat. I love animals and I’ve got a cat.) A cat. A cat is different than a dog. A dog is more loving. A cat is more independent; they’re loving but more independent. You don’t feel... (My cat is like a baby.) OK, then, it’s fine. So, your heart is: you feel unloved by God. But why do you feel like that? Only when you have problems, right? We all do that. Sometimes we stamp our feet, say, “Why don’t You love me? Why do You make trouble for me like this?” (Yes.) That’s OK to say that. It’s OK to blame God, Hes doesn’t care. But, continue to do better next time. And just say to God, “OK, if You love me, fine! If You don’t love me, fine! I’ll survive!” That’s how we do it.

Do you think I always feel loved by everybody? No! No, but I still have to love them. Even parents, friends, lovers, they’re all still human. Anybody who still lives in this world, even though he’s on the Fifth Level, he still has to experience this up and down of emotion, and the feeling of being wanted or unwanted all the time. It’s the mind only, it’s not your heart. It’s just the maya that makes you think that way. And just the experience of childhood which, when you were too young, you did not understand between the love and the different mood of the parents. And because you think the parents don’t love each other, and then you translate it. Of course, if the parents love each other, the child feels affected, feels OK, secure. And if the parents don’t love each other, then it’s bad. That is also the problem. And when you were young, you didn’t know how to deal with it. You were too young, and you felt very perplexed and conflicted. But I think there’s no need to carry it into adulthood.

Now, instead of wanting love, try to give love. Try to give love, even if you don’t feel of having love, just give it, and then... (I feel I’ve got a lot of love inside.) Then give, give it. (Yes. I do.) Like go out and help the homeless people, visit the orphanage, and even just a few (vegan) candies for the kids, (vegan) chocolates or cakes – the good ones, good (vegan) candies, healthy ones. Over here, it’s not good, but you don’t eat a lot, so it’s all right, once in a while. If they eat one or two (vegan) candies, it doesn’t hurt much. Or teach them, if they ask you questions, teach them what you know. It’s not just the kindergarten, but the bigger children who can more fulfill your satisfaction of being a teacher. Like you go to an orphanage, and see what they want to ask you, and you answer them. You take your cat with you and let them stroke the cat, and show them the love of the animals, and just fill your time with love, fill it with love. It’s very difficult to live alone and to feel love. You have to give the love. Maybe you have too much love. You must go out and give it, so that you feel more fulfilled, more satisfied. Try that. How about that? And just keep in mind that the love of God is not always for the mind to understand really. If God has not loved you, you wouldn’t be here. And you look so beautiful! Blue eyes and blonde, pinky. No makeup, and still beautiful. That is the love manifested. You see? Don’t keep looking for the feeling. It manifests in different ways. I don’t know if all of you feel I love you or not, but I do! (Yes.)

I’ve been looking for a place since February to see you, because I know you want to see me. Maybe you don’t, but I... maybe I interpret my own feelings, like I want to see you, and I think you want to see me, who knows? But, even if you don’t want to see me, and I want to see you, that means I love you. That’s why I’ve been looking for the place for many months. I still do, even before I came here, but I always think in my head to find a place for you to come any time you want. Not just a retreat like this, but some place free. And sometimes I sit there and dream, I said, “Ah, if I have a country, the whole country!” Like a free country. Initiate’s passport, just stamp it on the ID card. The visa on the ID card, permanent visa. For the good and the bad, the (ones that) meditate a lot and the lousy, lazy ones. All get visas. Sometimes I sit and dream like that. But this world is really horrible. Sometimes it’s really very much pressure for me. The law and the regulations, it doesn’t give it to me easily. Believe it. Financial problems are not the worst of all worries. Freedom is the best; freedom to see whom you want and talk what you like, as long as it’s not harmful to people. People should be able to gather in any place without having to worry about police or regulation or registrations and all that stuff.

Wow, now it looks like we both have the same problem, just bigger or smaller. I feel very unloved by the world. Oh, you don’t know, sometimes the pressure is so great, so great. I can’t even cry. I can’t even tell anybody. You can’t even pinpoint what it is. So, we are all in the wrong planet, me too. That’s the reason you feel like that. It’s not just the mother, it’s just a reason, just the reason. Ask them, all of them. Do they even feel any more happy because their parents so-called love them? It’s not necessary, they have other things. They may feel their husbands don’t love them, their bosses don’t love them, their children don’t love them, their cats don’t love them - a lot of stuff. Or their initiates don’t love them; their fellow initiates don’t love them, or harass them, the security guard was too harsh, the microphone’s lousy, all kinds of things. Are you cramped? You can go back and sit comfortably. Don’t worry. I love you at least. One person loves you, that’s enough, OK? Enough. You are just too sensitive, too sensitive.

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