Johnny, a boy, a schoolboy, heard that every adult has a secret, so if you say, “I tell you, I know the truth about the whole thing,” they will be shocked, and even if you know nothing at all, maybe they will tell you everything else. So after school, Johnny came home and told his mom, “Mom, I know all the truth about the whole thing.” So, the mother was very shocked and gave him a hundred dollars and asked him not to tell anybody, especially not to tell Dad. And then Johnny felt very funny about his mother’s response; although he didn’t know anything, he didn’t ask anything. So, when his dad came home after work he said to him, “Dad, I know the whole truth about the whole thing.” Oh, his dad was so shocked, he gave him $200 and told him not to tell Mom. The next day, Johnny met the postman at the gate, and he said again, “Sir, I know the truth about the whole thing.” The postman could hardly believe it, stretched out and held him in his arms, saying, “You have known it all this time? Good boy! Hug Daddy!” The truth will set you free. It’s not always good to know the truth and nothing but the truth. OK. Excusez-moi.
Johnny said to Joe, “I would move Heaven and Earth to break my 100 score on the golf course.” So, Joe said, “Try moving Heaven. You have already moved plenty of earth today.” He digs in the grass and the sand, cannot do anything. You know the golf game. Right? (Yes.) If you don’t hit the ball, you hit the earth. Sometimes you hit the ball, it goes into the sand, and you spray sand all over. I did plenty of that, so I know what it’s like. I know what he’s talking about; I dug plenty of earth. A customer was opening an account at a bank, and he asked the clerk to fill a form out for him. So, the clerk asked, “Your name, please?” And the customer said, “AnAnAnthony MaMaxwell JaJaJaJaJaJackson.” And then the clerk asked, “Are you a stammerer?” The customer said, “No, but my father was, and that guy who registered my name was an idiot.” He wrote everything down, so it became his name. “Ha-ha-ha-haa.” You love jokes. I knew it! So, this time I didn’t bring any Holy Books or anything; I brought only jokes. Joke papers. (Yes.)
A golfer said to the caddy… The caddy is the one who carries all the golf equipment for the professional golfer. A golfer said to the caddy, “Notice any of my improvements since last year?” So, the caddy said, “You polished your clubs, didn’t you?” Apart from that, nothing else. What did I do? Did I lose something? Ha! It’s supposed to be here. OK.
A golfer said to another caddy, “Why do you keep looking at your watch, all the time?” The caddy said, “This isn’t a watch, sir; it’s a compass.” So that he knows where the ball goes. Must be a very “great” golfer, like I was. All directions, the golf ball goes in all directions.
Another golfer said to a caddy, “The doctor said I can’t play golf.” The caddy said, “Oh, he has played with you too, huh? That’s how he knows. Right? (Yes.)
A golfer said to a caddy, “Caddy, why didn’t you see where that ball went?” So, the caddy said, “Well, it doesn’t usually go anywhere, Mrs. Smith. You caught me off guard.” It doesn’t go anywhere.
The principal of a university was frowning at the budget bill for the next half year, submitted by the dean of the physics school. So, he turned to his secretary and complained, “Why does the physics school spend so much on new and expensive equipment every year? Tens of millions at a time. Mathematics school is good, for they can be satisfied with only some paper, pencils, and erasers. And the philosophy school is better, for they ask for nothing, not even erasers.” Philosophy, no need, just talk. I’m glad you laugh at the jokes, because some jokes, I don’t know why.
A golfer said to a caddy, “Well, what do you think of my game?” The caddy said, “I guess it’s alright, but I still like golf better.” It wasn’t golf that he played. It sounds like when I was on a golf course.
A golfer said to a caddy, “How would you have played that last shot, caddy?” The caddy said, “Under an assumed name.” So that nobody knows who did it.
A golfer said, “You must be the world’s worst caddy.” The caddy said, “No, sir, that would be too much of a coincidence.” [Meaning] both, the other guy also. The golfer only carries the clubs, the same as him.
Once, during a debate, Abraham Lincoln was accused by Stephen Douglas of being two-faced. So, without hesitation, Lincoln calmly replied, “I leave it to my audience. If I had two faces, would I be wearing this one?” He’s so funny. He can laugh at himself. That’s good.
A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish… Oh God, would you jump out, this frog in my throat? I don’t know why I have it here. I don’t have it at home. You know why? Because I don’t talk at home. A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, it’s not like English; nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. For example, “house” is feminine – la casa. “A pencil,” however, is masculine – el lápiz. So, a student asked, “What gender is a computer?” Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether a “computer” should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for the recommendation that they chose.
The men’s group decided that “computer” should definitely be feminine – la computadora. “Because,” they explained, “because four reasons: No one but their creator understands their internal logic. Number two…” Also, the language they use in the computer technology. “And number two, the native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.” It’s true. It’s true. (Yes.) “Number three, even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval.” Retrieval. “And number four…” Don’t be offended, this is a joke. “Number four, as soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.” My God, my God, it’s not true. I’d testify about it. Nobody spends anything on me. I don’t have any man who spends anything on me.
Oh, geez, I need something to clear the “frog.” (Yes, I brought some.) You got some? (Yes, yes.) You think if I drink one of these juices, it would be better? (My favourite.) Which juice? This is good? (Kumquat. Kumquat, Master.) What is it? (Kumquat. Licorice kumquat.) (This is special for…) Special for that, and that, and that? (Teamwork.) I’ll try these first. (Yes.) If I eat too many, I don’t know, my stomach will not know what to do. (They’re natural.) Natural, this is also natural? (Yes.) Eenie meenie meenie… I’m just trying. If it doesn’t work, I’ll spit it out and give it back to her. (They’re all going to fight for it.) And then I’ll take yours. (They would all be fighting for it.) Fighting. It tastes very comfortable. What is that? (I’ll give You the packet with pleasure. It’s just herbal.) No, no, you don’t have to give me (Oh, please have it.) the whole packet. (I don’t need it.) You take all that, I’ll take a couple, OK? Thanks a lot. (Anybody want?) It tastes like pine. It’s very comfy. (Yes, it is pine and things like that.)
OK, now. The women’s group. (Laugh now again, Master. When You talk everything comes.) Luckily, she didn’t give me some of her clothes or anything. They’d take all her clothes from her. OK. Women. The women’s group however… It’s so difficult to talk with a candy. In the European Tour last time, I had to take (vegan) candy at every lecture. (Wow.) So you can see sometimes my mouth looked funny. Oh, this is really comfortable. Tastes good, man. From Swiss? (Yes.) Whenever I cough, I use those Swiss herbs. (Yes.) They are traditional. (Yes, I know which ones.) It’s good, good. They clear your throat very quickly. Maybe I need that one, I don’t know. OK, I will save it for later. Don’t think about it.
OK, the women’s group now. They decided, however, that the computers should be masculine – el computador. “Because, number one, in order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on first.” You can’t do anything when it’s off, huh? What kind of logic? “Number two, they have a lot of data, but still can’t think for themselves. Number three, they are supposed to help you solve problems, but half of the time they are the problem. Number four, as soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.”
Computer (masculine noun). Computer (feminine noun). I concluded that the computer is both masculine and feminine, because they both have their reasons. (Yes.) They both were right. (Yes.) So the computer is like “bi.” (Bi.) Not an “L,” not a “G,” but a “B.”
Photo Caption: “Look at How GOD LOVES and GIFTS Us So Much Beautiful Life-Sustenance” (All what shows here is no pain)
