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Begin the New Year with Positive Thinking, Part 12 of 12

2023-01-25
Lingua del discorso:English
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I guess we all run out of juice, huh? OK, guys, every party has to end someday. Today, you got everything. (Yes.) You have (non-alcoholic) champagne, you’ve got chips even, and you got magic tricks. (Thank You, Master.) Go home, sleep! Got everything, and a lot of food still. Let’s call it a day and continue the whole year, happy! (Yes.) Maybe we’ll see each other some other day.

You, anymore? (Oh, I just remembered another one.) Yeah, yeah. Go ahead, continue. (Three guys are stuck in the desert, and for days they don’t have any water, and they’re going to die. And anyway, one of the guys kicks over a lamp and this genie comes out, and he says, “I grant you, three guys, a wish.” So, the first guy says, “Oh, I wish I was on a tropical beach, surrounded by as much water as I could drink, and on a hammock, enjoying myself.”) Yeah. (So, “Bing!” he’s gone. The other guy says, “Oh, I wish I was in a five-star hotel on the beach, enjoying myself.”) Oh yeah, enjoy. (The third guy he looked around and felt a bit lonely, so he said, “I wish my friends were back here.”) Yeah, we heard that.

You got it? Yeah? Go ahead! Go ahead! (There’s a lift in the department store. And on the third floor, a lady gets in, a very elegant lady, and a beautiful scent of perfume. And she turns around, and she says, “Chanel, $100 an ounce.” So the lift goes down one floor, and another beautiful lady gets in, and another scent. She says, “Dior. Christian Dior. $150 an ounce.” The next floor down…) Saying to whom? (She says to everybody else in the lift) Oh, in the lift. OK, OK. (as she turned around. Sorry.) Alright. (An old lady gets into the lift, and when the lift gets down to the ground floor, there's a terrible smell in the lift. So, as she is getting out of the lift, she turns around to the others, and she says, “Broccoli, 80 pence a pound.”) Terrible joke. (Sorry.) You don't understand? Some of them don’t. Understand, huh?

OK. What's next? (There was a Roman Catholic priest giving confession in his room. And the man came in to confess that, “Father, forgive me for I’ve sinned. I’ve just stolen a pair of shoes.” The priest said, “OK, go to pray three Hail Mary’s and three Our Fathers.” After confession, the priest came out, his shoes were gone.) (The priest’s were stolen.) Ah, OK. OK, I understand. So, he stole the pair of shoes of the priest. OK, I got it.

(There was also a Roman Catholic priest going to his confession room. There was a long queue out there. Two queues, actually. There was another priest giving confession as well. And this priest went in, and the first person came in, blah, blah, blah, said his sins. And then the priest said, “You satan! Go pray ten Our Father’s and ten Hail Mary’s!” again. So, the man went out. And then the priest waited and waited, nobody came in. He went out and looked at the queue. The queue was all gone. All of the people joined the next queue.) Oh, because he’s too strict. (Yes.) (Because the people are scared – the priest scolded them as “satan” and gave them too many prayers to pray after that.) Oh. So, the other priest is better? Is that why? (Because the other priest, he doesn’t scold.) Oh! “Get out of here, all of you!”

Next. You? You want it? (No, no. I’m just holding the mic.) You? Go, go! Quick! Quick! (There was a girl. She went to the Church and confessed to the priest, “Dear father, is arrogance a bad sin? I mean, being arrogant.” And the father asked, “Are you more clever than your friends?” And the girl said, “No, I am not more clever, and I’m not richer. I just feel that I’m a bit prettier than my friends.” And then the father said, “Oh, no, it’s not arrogant. That is just a misunderstanding.”) It’s not true! OK, OK. Alright. That’s a good one. Yeah, I remember now.

(An Englishman, a Scottish man and an Australian guy, they’re sitting in a bar and they’re drinking. And then the Scottish guy looks over across the table: A man is just drinking mineral water all alone, with a halo around his head, and he’s got long hair. He says, “My! I think that guy looks just like Jesus.” And the other friend says, “Yeah, maybe you’re right. Maybe he is.” So he walks over to the man over there – the Australian guy, and he says, “Hey, mate! Are you Jesus?” Jesus just nods. So he comes and sits down. Then the Scottish guy goes over there and asks Jesus the same question. And Jesus just nods. Anyways, he comes back. I just forgot the English guy, he’s in a wheelchair. That’s right, I just remembered now. So he goes over in the wheelchair to Jesus. And Jesus says, “Yes, I am Jesus.” Anyway, he comes back. After about half an hour, they’re still talking and sitting down, and Jesus walks over to them. He comes up to the Scottish man and He shakes his hand. And the Scottish man jumps and says, “My God! It’s a miracle! My back was hurting me for 20 years. I have tried everything. Now, I’m cured! My goodness!” And He walks over to the Australian guy, shakes his hand. And the guy says, “My God! My leg! My leg, it’s working again! It’s a miracle!”) It’s a new leg. (Yes. He walks over to the English guy.) Wheelchair. (Yes. The English guy turns green, a look of complete panic on his face, and starts wheeling backwards away from Jesus. He says, “For Christ’s sake, stay away from me! I get disability allowance!”) Terrible.

Now I’ve got a similar joke, before I forget. There was a man with the healing touch. He came around testing people. And he met a French, an Irish and an English, whatever. And then he asked them to do a favor for him, and then if they do it well, he would heal them quietly. So he asked the French man to do something for him, and he did it. So he touched the French guy on the head, and then the French guy’s chronic headache was gone. “Oh! I’ve got like a new head. It’s beautiful!” Alright. And then he went to the English man, and asked him to do something. And the English guy did it, so he touched him. And then he got a new pair of legs. He had no legs before. And then, there was another guy, what? (Irish.) The Irish, on the wheelchair, asked him to do something. He did and then he came and touched the wheelchair. The Irish said, “Oh! I got new wheels on my chair!” You know the joke, right? Similar. OK. What next? You have? Go ahead, go ahead! (OK.) He looks so sly. (Do it properly.) Properly. Go ahead! Go ahead! Go ahead! Yeah?

(This is a joke about a monkey. He goes into an employment exchange and goes up to the counter. And he says…) A what? (A monkey.) Monkey, goes where? (Yes, into an employment exchange, looking for a job. A job center.) Oh, for a job employment exchange. (Yes, yes.) Alright. (And the attendant says, “You’re a monkey, you should be in a circus.” The monkey looks at him and says, “What would a plumber be doing there?”) What? (A plumber.) Oh. (What would a plumber be doing there?) (He was a plumber,) Oh. (the monkey.) What? (I don’t get it.) (The monkey is a plumber.) (Not very clever.) Oh, I understand. (OK.) Oh, it’s very bad. (Sorry.) Without a plumber, your toilet would be stuck. OK.

I guess we all run out of juice, huh? OK, guys, every party has to end someday. Today, you got everything. (Yes.) You have (non-alcoholic) champagne, you’ve got chips even, and you got magic tricks. (Thank You, Master.) Go home, sleep! Got everything, and a lot of food still. Let’s call it a day and continue the whole year, happy! (Yes.) Maybe we’ll see each other some other day.

Are there some other people upstairs still? (Yes, Master.) Or you’re all here? (We are here!) Oh, man. How about the garage, also? (Yes.) I hear nothing. (Everybody is in the garage, Master.) Everybody? (Yes, just whoever’s left over.) OK. I go and say, “Hallo.”

Happy New Year, guys. (Happy New Year, Master!) (Thank You, Master.) Yeah, thank you to you. (Thank You, Master.) You’re welcome. Thanks to you guys. Voilà. Merci (Thank You). Oh, Happy New Year. (Happy New Year, Master.) (Thank You. Thank You, Master. Thank You.) (It’s nice to be here, Master.)

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