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Begin the New Year with Positive Thinking, Part 9 of 12, Dec. 31, 2005

2023-01-22
Lecture Language:English
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Anybody have some jokes? Nice stuff. Tell me, tell me. Yeah, we tell jokes for New Year. We laugh for New Year. It's the best. All the stupid miseries, we leave behind. (Yes.) We begin New Year only with good things! (Yes!) Only positive thinking! (Yes!) Positive talks! (Yes!) Positive thoughts! (Yes!) Positive action! (Yes!) Yeah! Yeah, help Master!

There was a man who sat in front of a house on the doorstep, looking at his wedding ring finger. Not a wedding ring, it's not there anymore. Looking at the, white skin, that's left behind from the wedding ring, and kept crying and crying and crying. So, one guy stopped and said, “What's wrong with you? Why are you crying?” He said, “Oh, I feel so bad. I feel so bad.” “Why do you feel bad?” He said, “I feel bad because I sold my wedding ring.” He said, “Why did you sell your wedding ring?” He said, “I sold it because I wanted to drink. I sold it to drink. And I feel so bad, so bad about it. I keep crying because I feel so bad.” He said, “Oh, never mind. It's OK. It's already gone. Why should you feel bad now? It's gone.” He said, “Yeah, that's why I'm feeling bad, because if it's still there, I could go sell it now and drink some.” Some bad husband. Thanks to me that you don't have such (a husband) at home.

Anybody have some jokes? Nice stuff. Tell me, tell me. Yeah, we tell jokes for New Year. We laugh for New Year. It's the best. All the stupid miseries, we leave behind. (Yes.) We begin New Year only with good things! (Yes!) Only positive thinking! (Yes!) Positive talks! (Yes!) Positive thoughts! (Yes!) Positive action! (Yes!) Yeah! Yeah, help Master!

(A Paddy Englishman, a Paddy Irishman, and a Paddy Scotsman were at work.) What, what, what? A pair of Scottish men! (No. Paddy Englishman, Paddy Irishman, and Paddy Scotsman. Paddy. Paddy is Irish.) (It’s short for Patrick.) Oh, OK. OK, OK, fine. (So, a Paddy Englishman, a Paddy Irishman, and a Paddy Scotsman were at work, and they opened their lunch boxes. And...) Ah! Anybody know about it? (Yes.) (No.) They don't know, then you tell it. (So, one had [vegan] cheese sandwiches, and he said, “If I get [vegan] cheese sandwiches tomorrow again, I'm going to jump off this building.” So the next guy opened his, he had [vegan] ham sandwiches, and he said, “If get these again off my wife, I'm going to jump off the building.” And Paddy Irishman opened his box and he had [vegan] egg sandwiches, and he said, “If I get these again tomorrow, I'm going to jump off the building.” So, the next day, they're all at work up on the building. And Paddy Englishman opens his, and he has [vegan] cheese sandwiches. He jumps off. Paddy Scotsman sees his [vegan] ham sandwiches, he jumps off. Paddy Irishman gets the [vegan] egg, and he jumps off. So, the three wives are at the funeral, and Paddy Englishman's turns to Paddy Scotsman's wife and says, “If I had only known that he didn't like those sandwiches, I would have made something else.” The Paddy Irishman's wife says, “He made his own sandwiches!”) Hahaha... Ha...... Hahaha...

Any drinking jokes? (I know one.) Yeah, OK. We tell all the drinking jokes first. (There are these guys who are drinking on top of the Empire State Building, and they're getting on just fine. And then eventually one guy turns to the other guy and says, “Well, you know what? If you jump out of this building, you won't fall, you'll float, because the hot air from the city will hold you up.” So, the guy goes, “No, no, no. Rubbish.”) Hot city? What of the city will hold you up? (The hot air.) Hot air, OK, OK. (From the city. So, he says, “No, really try it, I'll show you.” So, he goes and jumps out of the building, and he floats. And the other guy is like, “Wow!” So, he goes, “Come, try it.” So, the guys goes, “OK.” So, he jumps out and falls. So some other guys in the bar are sitting there and they turn to the other guy and go, “You know, Superman can be really nasty when he's drunk.”) Can be naughty? (Yes.) When he's drunk. So that's the Superman who jumped? (Yes.) Ah! Wow. Anyone who wants to be a Superman? Don't be silly. Oh, man! So quiet. Yeah, yeah.

Go ahead. Jokes are always welcome. (A guy came out of a pub at two o'clock in the morning. And he started walking and all of a sudden everything started turning around him. So he just grabbed himself on this wall on the street. His friend came behind and said, “What are you doing there?” “I was just waiting for me house to come by, so I can get in.”) What, what? (I was just waiting for my house to pass by, so I can get in.) My God. No jokes? There, over there. Better be good, huh? Open the door a little bit. Oh, but we will be too loud for the neighbor, right? (No, it’s OK.) (It’s New Year.) Ah, it’s New Year.

(Two guys are talking about presents they've got for their wives.) The what? (The presents they've got for their wives. Christmas presents. And the guy says, “I bought her a diamond ring.” And the other guy says, “I'm sure she didn't want a diamond ring. I'm sure she wanted a jeep.” He says, “Where can I buy a fake jeep from?”) That's a good one. The fake jeep, because the diamond ring is fake. Understand? So he bought her a fake diamond ring. But the man said, “She wants a jeep.” He said, “Well, I can't get a fake jeep somewhere.” That's a good one.

(Anybody?) Yeah! Yes, yes. (It's another Irish joke, Master.) Yes. (The foreman on the building site put up an ad: “Handyman wanted. Must be very skilled.” So along came this Paddy Irishman again.) Paddy means worker, right? (This Paddy here. And the foreman said to Paddy, “Can you use a hammer?” He said, “No.” He said, “Can you saw?” He said, “No.” “Can you replace a bulb?” “No.” “Can you make tea?” “No.” He said, “Why are you applying for the handyman's job?” “Well Sir,” he said, “I'm very handy. I just live around the corner.”) Yeah, yeah. Quite handy! Yeah here, alright.

(My English is not very good, but I'll try. It's a Chinese joke.) A Chinese joke? Nobody understands Chinese. (I'll translate. I'll try it in English.) Yeah, better! (A long time ago, Chinese people had long hair, even the men.) Yes. (So, one man goes to a hotel, actually not a hotel. It's like a very simple... The Chinese call it “ke-zhan (guest house),” but I don’t know how to translate it.) It's like a motel. Small hotel. (Yes, that's it.) It doesn’t matter. (So, he sleeps in that hotel.) Yeah. (And then somebody just wants to make a joke, so they shave him to bald, shave his hair.) Shave his hair. When he sleeps, they shaved his hair. Fine. (Yes, then they put a mirror on the table.) On the table. (Then in the morning, when he wakes up, he finds himself lost. He says, “Oh, my God, where is me?” Before, he had his hair.) Now he doesn't have hair. (Now he can't recognize himself. He says, “I lost myself.”) OK, OK. Ha, ha, ha! (In Chinese, it's called, “I don't see myself anywhere.”) OK. “I lost myself.” It means, I don't see myself anywhere.

Right. Next one, anybody else? We have a lot of jokes. We just forget. (Yes.) Yeah. Next time when you come gathering, just bring a lot of jokes. Write it down so you don't forget.

(I try another one, “Wonder Mirror.”) Yeah, try another one. Yes? (In China, like in my hometown, at least, a lot of people live in the rural area, like the mountains, near the mountains. Maybe people would call them not civilized.) Ah, OK. Like wild men. (Yes, same thing. One day the guy, he just cuts the jungle and sells to all the people for...) Sells wood. (...for fire.) He sells firewood. He's a firewood cutter. (Yes, then he buys a mirror to take home. A mirror.) A mirror. (A very small mirror, because he never saw a mirror. What's in it, he doesn't know. He just picks up the mirror, and he says, “Oh, so funny, inside there's a face same as me. When you smile, it smiles. When you make a face, it makes a face.” He’s just very curious. He thinks it's like a magical thing or something.) OK, OK. (So, he keeps it himself. Every day he goes home... He put it into a drawer,) In a drawer. (locks it in there. So, one day, his wife thought, “Why he comes back so strange these days. Every time he secretly goes to the drawer, takes out the thing and smiles.”) And laughing and doing all kinds of stuff. (His wife thinks that he gets an extra wife outside the marriage! Angrily, he goes there...) She went there. (she goes there and checks.) In the drawer. (Yes, checks the drawer and takes it out. She takes it out and says, “Oh my God! He really gets an extra wife, same as me.”) He has another woman same as me. (So, she cries to her mother-in-law. And her mother-in-law says, “Is it?” They never quarrel.) They're good friends. (They are good wife and husband, a good couple. “Maybe my son gets enlightenment. Because before, he's not doing this stuff. He can't have an extra wife. So, I'd better go there to check it myself.” Then she opens the drawer and takes out the mirror: “Oh, my God! It's a nearly 80-year-old woman!” She thinks, “Oh, if my son gets a younger one, OK! But gets an extra wife of the same old age as me!”) My son must be crazy. (So, she...) And she throws it. (...throws the mirror and crashes the mirror.) Broken. Did you guys understand? (Yes.) Good story! Good, good, good. Very good. Yeah, behind there.

(There's a [vegan] cake from Houston; they made a [vegan] cake to celebrate the New Year.) What? A (vegan) cake from Houston? Can we eat it? Thank you, Houston. Yum-yum. We can't even eat it, and they show it to us… It's like a cruelty, you know? What a joke for New Year! OK, thanks. Alright. Anything else? Just cover it, otherwise everybody gets hungry again. Are you guys hungry again? Some more (vegan) cakes. (Yes, why not?) (Here!) Share, share. One bag and share it to everybody. Share, share it. Share it. Like open and share. Learn to share. Wow, there you are! I know you would kill for blessed food but learn to share the blessed food. The most difficult thing! Learn to do the impossible – share the blessed food. Just open it, and everybody takes one piece, something like that. There! Any more? Where? (Here.) There, here. “Here, Master.” “There, Master.” Share it, share it, one each. This is for upstairs and the garage. Everybody like, take one bag and open it, and everybody takes a little bit. It's the way we do in the family. Yeah, like that. One piece, two pieces, just fun.

That was a good joke. You guys understood, right? Did anybody not understand? You all understood, right? (I couldn’t.) You didn't? That was so simple.

There was a woodcutter. (Yes.) He sold firewood in the jungle to the city and he never saw a mirror in his life. (Yes.) So he saw one and it looked a face, funny, like a face in there, so he bought one home. And he said, “Oh, you are funny. When I laugh, you laugh. When I make a face, you make a face. OK, I keep you.” (Yes.) And then he kept it and put it in the drawer. Every day he came home from work, he took it out and did all kinds of stuff. So his wife had been observing him, and thinking, “Oh, my husband must have something wrong with him. Maybe another woman or something. That's why he kept going there.” So, she waited until he went to work, went into the drawer, saw the mirror, took it out and said, “My God! If he has another wife, why did he choose the one that looks exactly like me?” She cried, and cried and talked to the mother-in-law. And the mother-in-law was thinking, “Oh, they are a happy couple. It's not possible that he has an extra wife. There must be something wrong. Maybe he follows Master Ching Hai or something and became happy.” So the mother-in-law went to the drawer and checked to see what's in there. Maybe a key to Immediate Enlightenment or something. So, she opened the drawer and saw the mirror. And she looked into the mirror and said, “My God! Why does he have an 80-year-old woman?!” And she threw it on the floor, Broken. End of story. (I understand now.) Anybody needs translation in Greek?

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